It's been a while since I wrote... Over a year. But thoughts have been weighing on my mind and my heart. Nudges via friends on FB and in person led me back to the blog. So, what's gone on in a year? Here's a very high level detail for those of you not on FB or would like a reminder.
Savannah was getting a little resentful of the lack of time we were spending together. And hurt. But a teenager returning from a two-year stint overseas is going through a lot of emotions. Reverse culture shock. Learning where she fits in and feeling like it's not a lot of places or crowds that it used to be. She didn't communicate that she was hurting very often. We had a few nights of tears and tried to schedule time together, but she didn't like me having to "pencil her in" and became more and more distant. She worked lots and found reasons to be away. While I was in India, she was caught smoking pot with a friend. That was rough. 10,000 miles away with her in the responsibility of my parents and that message came through. Not a happy few days. I returned, we talked. Well, mostly I talked and she said it was a one-off. A few days passed and she was caught, again, smoking pot, but with another friend. It's a sad feeling when, as a parent, you realize your child is the common denominator of bad behavior. Illegal behavior. Irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. Savannah was grounded much of November and most of December, and spent weeks at my parent's house in an effort to avoid being home with Michael and me.
Time passed and January found her back in our home, against her will, but knowing she's my daughter, my responsibility and not for my parents to be handling during this difficult time.
She worked lots and lots of hours and didn't drive or have a car, so she had to be shuttled around from work to school and back again. She was not around much at all and began to disconnect more and more from family. Savannah didn't want to face her feelings so she escaped through marijuana use. She was hurt, sad, angry. Mostly at me, I suppose. I moved back and picked up right where I left off. I have the same terrific group of friends, a job I love, a wonderful husband and an amazing family. It wasn't hard for me to come back to all this. Savannah missed her church family she left in India. She missed precious Prasansha who passed in November, 2013. She missed the constant togetherness and friendship we had created in India. She probably missed her dad, too, but that's another blog.
Savannah has chosen to disconnect from her family and church friends and is now living with another friend about 45 minutes away from our home. I have seen her only twice since she left in May, both times when she was coming to pick up some of her belongings or furniture we were giving to her. She is angry... doesn't want to be "judged"... doesn't answer emails anymore.
I miss my girl. I cry when I am still long enough to let myself think. I stay busy during the week because it's easier. The weekends are hardest. When Haley is with us and we are out running errands sometimes it's all I can do to keep it together. Those were the things I did with Savannah. The little things. The family dinners to celebrate birthdays. The dance recitals for my nieces. Sunday lunch after church or a pedicure treat together. I miss my girl. Michael walks in a room and finds me crying. Often. He used to ask why, and sometimes still does, but, for the most part, he just knows now. I miss my girl. Every day. I check my email 100 times a day hoping she will reply. I watch FB for an update. A glimpse of hope that she's coming back around. Back to the mom and family that loves her so much.
She's lost. I pray for her every day. I pray for God to keep her safe - wrap His arms around her and protect her, even in the darkest choices she might be making. I pray for her heart to soften. Forgiveness to creep in, bitterness to seep out, love and happiness and joy to replace the anger, sadness and hurt she is feeling. For FEELINGS to be allowed back into her life. To quit numbing her emotions with vices and work through the pain. To come back to Jesus.
Lots of love and joyful times and memories made over the last year. Lots of sadness, fear and hurt, too. I am thankful that I have a relationship with Jesus, because there are lots of conversations going on. Some angry, some desperate, and some rambling. He knows my heart and He knows the plan. I take comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 and remind myself His plan is there.
I am not sure why I felt the need to write all this, but maybe someone else out there is struggling with someone they love. I know I am not alone in this, and sometimes it helps to have a reminder. I am comforted through stories of friends who overcame their addictions or bad teenage-year choices. I am hopeful when someone tells me about someone they know and love who went through trials and came out stronger. Is it human nature to feel isolated, yet long to know there's someone else enduring a similar struggle? I don't know the answer, but I know if you are having a hard time in life, you aren't alone. Talk to someone. Don't turn to vices and don't disconnect from your family and, if you're a Christian, your savior. You are loved.
- July, 2014 - Savannah and I returned from our 2 year life in India to my parent's home in Spring, Texas until our container arrived.
- September, 2014 - Savannah and I moved back into our home in Spring when our container arrived. This was smack dab in the middle of a two-week workshop I was attending in Copenhagen, Denmark, so the frequent flyer miles were in full force.
- October, 2014 - Michael and I were married. It was one of the happiest days of my life and I thank God every day for sending this wonderful man to me. Second chances are a wonderful thing.
- November, 2014 - My boss and I spent 10 days in India visiting our Safmarine teams in Chennai (I got a weekend with friends out of this, too!), Pune and Mumbai. It was great to go back and see friends from work and church... and eat biriyani.
- January, 2015 - Michael and I honeymooned in California, starting in SoCal - Ventura - and heading up the coast along beautiful PCH and spending a weekend in the mountains, then back to LA.
- May, 2015 - Savannah turned 18. My baby girl decided she was no longer a baby and was making some very adult decisions. She decided to move out and start her life as an adult. (more to come...)
- June, 2015 - Michael and I decided to look for a new home to make our own. We are currently in the house I have lived in since Savannah was a month old. Traffic is a nightmare and it would probably do us both some good to start fresh, so we started looking around.
- Present - we have an offer on a house in Conroe and if all goes well, we will be in this time next month.
Savannah was getting a little resentful of the lack of time we were spending together. And hurt. But a teenager returning from a two-year stint overseas is going through a lot of emotions. Reverse culture shock. Learning where she fits in and feeling like it's not a lot of places or crowds that it used to be. She didn't communicate that she was hurting very often. We had a few nights of tears and tried to schedule time together, but she didn't like me having to "pencil her in" and became more and more distant. She worked lots and found reasons to be away. While I was in India, she was caught smoking pot with a friend. That was rough. 10,000 miles away with her in the responsibility of my parents and that message came through. Not a happy few days. I returned, we talked. Well, mostly I talked and she said it was a one-off. A few days passed and she was caught, again, smoking pot, but with another friend. It's a sad feeling when, as a parent, you realize your child is the common denominator of bad behavior. Illegal behavior. Irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. Savannah was grounded much of November and most of December, and spent weeks at my parent's house in an effort to avoid being home with Michael and me.
Time passed and January found her back in our home, against her will, but knowing she's my daughter, my responsibility and not for my parents to be handling during this difficult time.
She worked lots and lots of hours and didn't drive or have a car, so she had to be shuttled around from work to school and back again. She was not around much at all and began to disconnect more and more from family. Savannah didn't want to face her feelings so she escaped through marijuana use. She was hurt, sad, angry. Mostly at me, I suppose. I moved back and picked up right where I left off. I have the same terrific group of friends, a job I love, a wonderful husband and an amazing family. It wasn't hard for me to come back to all this. Savannah missed her church family she left in India. She missed precious Prasansha who passed in November, 2013. She missed the constant togetherness and friendship we had created in India. She probably missed her dad, too, but that's another blog.
Savannah has chosen to disconnect from her family and church friends and is now living with another friend about 45 minutes away from our home. I have seen her only twice since she left in May, both times when she was coming to pick up some of her belongings or furniture we were giving to her. She is angry... doesn't want to be "judged"... doesn't answer emails anymore.
I miss my girl. I cry when I am still long enough to let myself think. I stay busy during the week because it's easier. The weekends are hardest. When Haley is with us and we are out running errands sometimes it's all I can do to keep it together. Those were the things I did with Savannah. The little things. The family dinners to celebrate birthdays. The dance recitals for my nieces. Sunday lunch after church or a pedicure treat together. I miss my girl. Michael walks in a room and finds me crying. Often. He used to ask why, and sometimes still does, but, for the most part, he just knows now. I miss my girl. Every day. I check my email 100 times a day hoping she will reply. I watch FB for an update. A glimpse of hope that she's coming back around. Back to the mom and family that loves her so much.
She's lost. I pray for her every day. I pray for God to keep her safe - wrap His arms around her and protect her, even in the darkest choices she might be making. I pray for her heart to soften. Forgiveness to creep in, bitterness to seep out, love and happiness and joy to replace the anger, sadness and hurt she is feeling. For FEELINGS to be allowed back into her life. To quit numbing her emotions with vices and work through the pain. To come back to Jesus.
Lots of love and joyful times and memories made over the last year. Lots of sadness, fear and hurt, too. I am thankful that I have a relationship with Jesus, because there are lots of conversations going on. Some angry, some desperate, and some rambling. He knows my heart and He knows the plan. I take comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 and remind myself His plan is there.
I am not sure why I felt the need to write all this, but maybe someone else out there is struggling with someone they love. I know I am not alone in this, and sometimes it helps to have a reminder. I am comforted through stories of friends who overcame their addictions or bad teenage-year choices. I am hopeful when someone tells me about someone they know and love who went through trials and came out stronger. Is it human nature to feel isolated, yet long to know there's someone else enduring a similar struggle? I don't know the answer, but I know if you are having a hard time in life, you aren't alone. Talk to someone. Don't turn to vices and don't disconnect from your family and, if you're a Christian, your savior. You are loved.
I am so proud of you giving all this to God. He will reveal all this to both of you in his timing so in the meantime I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThere is no "heart" pain like being disconnected from your child. I do not know any story that will mend the situation, but I do know the love of God reaches across any divide and WILL BRING Savannah back to himself and to you. Just love her and love God with all your heart. Crying is OK as long as it does not weaken your faith. My arms are gonna be real close to you soon.....come over anytime, or I will meet you half way.
ReplyDeleteI'm impersesd by your writing. Are you a professional or just very knowledgeable?
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